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"Butter That Up, Like Corn on the Cob!" Last night Paco and I went to the Atmosphere concert at First Avenue. truth about enzyte The place was packed and it was a lot of fun. Since Paco had purchased a table, I didn't mind so much that it was packed because I got to sit nicely in the front row on the second level and enjoy the show whilst everyone else was packed like sweaty sardines. Ah, it's nice to be better than everyone else! HOWEVER, I almost threw down with this chick who was standing behind us. Let me explain the situation to you. No, no, let me SHOW the situation to you. Below is my depiction of how the venue is set up. You can see where Paco & I were sitting, denoted by the blue circle and the green circle. You can then see that Crazy Bitch on Drugs is the yellow jaggedy circle (jaggedy because she's on drugs, you see), and that she is practically on top of me: WELL. You know how at shows sometimes you'll wave your hands up in the air? Emphasis on "up". Well, CBOD liked to wave her hands OUT in the air - directly over my head, and sometimes between my head and Paco's. I was seriously worried that I was going to lose an ear or something. I mean, it was ridiculous - her hands were whizzing by my face every 1.2 seconds. She really, really liked Atmosphere. Anyway, this went on for a while, and because I lack the gift of patience, I started to think about grabbing one of her hands and hitting her in the face with it. I'd probably say something like "stop hitting yourself, stop hitting yourself!", because I am nothing if not mature. But because I was entirely sober and trying to be well-behaved, I turned around and asked her to watch where she was thrusting those hands. She acted like I didn't exist and kept doing her erratic, dangerous arm movements. Paco saw that things were about to escalate and put his hands straight up in the air, in an effort to show her an alternate way to express her love for Atmosphere. She looked at him and said "goawaygoaway!". I turned 17 shades of red and I'm pretty sure that steam actually started to come from my ears. Because I am resourceful, and equally as bitchy as any girl at any venue in any city in America, I decided that this situation could best be resolved by us standing up, thereby blocking her view of the show. Since our chairs would be behind us, we'd have a built in buffer zone. I am a genius, I thought! So, stand up we did. Ha! Take THAT! But then CBOD beat me at my own game. Do you know what that crazy hooker did? She climbed over our chairs and STOOD ON MY CHAIR. And her damn arms were still whizzing over my head! I turned to Paco and said, "will you be upset with me if I get into a girl fight right now?" I knew the answer: "Yes, I will." No fun, right? I mean, I DO NOT like to be pushed around, and she was not a strong looking girl AND she was clearly high on something. My one-time sobriety was about to benefit me! But nooooo, Paco said I couldn't throw her over the railing! Lame. Anyhoo, I tried to calm myself. "She is on drugs", I told myself. "She doesn't know what she's doing." It didn't work very well. Luckily, I think her boyfriend must have grabbed her down off the chair because she wasn't there for long. A little bit later she tapped on Paco's shoulder between songs and said this: "Butter that up, like corn on the cob!" Um. Yeah. I do not know what that means either. All in all, maybe it was good that I didn't pummel her. She clearly has some problems - you know, with the drugs, and the terrible fashion sense and the acne and all. Mostly the drugs though. That said, I think I'd smack her if I saw her again. We'll pass each other on the street some day and I'll just whip my purse at her face and she'll be all, "WTF?!" and I'll say "I just buttered that up, like corn on the cob!" and go on my merry way. Posted by mindy at 10:23 AM 18 comments Labels: "Paco", anger, Bitches and Hos, don't play with fire or you might get burned, Funny Stories, I am kind of a jerk, Me Me Me, Minneapolis Friday, October 31, 2008 As promised, here is Mr. Otis in his Halloween costume. He's a monkey! When I saw this costume, I HAD to buy it because when he is a cute, good little boy, I call him "Monkey". (When he is naughty, he's my little Monster). I didn't have anyone to help me pose him, so I had to do what I could by myself. It wasn't very easy, and he didn't like it very much: And here's a picture so you can see his cute little tail, which he tried to chase for a while after realizing it was there: * No animals were harmed in the making of this blog post. Well, not physically anyway. I am still unsure as to how this has affected him emotionally. HOWEVER, he was handsomely rewarded with one of his favorite biscuits afterward. That counts for something, right? Posted by mindy at 7:00 AM 17 comments Labels: Animals, crazy, I am kind of a jerk, Pets Thursday, October 30, 2008 Sorry for the absence this week. I wish I could say it was because I was on some fabulous vacation, but as it turns out, it wasn't so much a vacation, and it definitely wasn't fabulous. Friday morning I got a call from my mother: "Honey, uncle David died last night." "Oh mom, I'm so sorry...", I said, in shock. We knew this was going to happen. He had been diagnosed with amyotrophic lateral sclerosis (ALS) a little less than a year ago....but there was supposed to be more time. Despite the 10 month warning, it felt oddly sudden. I wasn't especially close to my uncle, but being so close to my mother and grandmother, this hit me pretty hard. You see, my mother started out as the oldest of 4 children - she had 3 younger brothers. At age 51, she is the lone survivor. I've seen her mourn the loss of 2 other brothers, both lost to tragic circumstances much too early in life. I've watched my grandma mourn the loss of three of her children now, and I can't imagine how overwhelming that pain must be. My uncle had 4 children, ages 25 to 18. Like everyone else, my cousins thought they had more time. I think they all thought there would be time to say everything they wanted to say so that they could let go of their father with some measure of closure. I could see how they struggled this week as I stood by, helpless. Maybe hardest of all, though, was watching my aunt say her final goodbyes to her husband. As she kissed his cold, lifeless forehead for the last time, it almost broke my heart. Yesterday was my mother's birthday. When she arrived back to our farm, only one of our family dogs greeted her....our yellow lab, aptly named "Yellow Dog", had succumbed to old age while my parents were gone. It was the final straw in a big heap of crappy, smelly, horrible, UNFAIR straw. Happy birthday to her! I don't know why I'm writing all of this. I guess I'm just frustrated and needed to vent. I'm angry that my mother's family has suffered so much and that there's nothing I can do to make it better. When my other uncles died, I was only a child and couldn't really be expected to do anything....now, as a grown woman, I feel like there is something I should be able to do to make it all go away. I know it doesn't make any sense, but I can't help but feel that way. The pastor at my uncle's funeral said a few things, though, that have helped me, and I hope they've helped my mother and grandma, my aunts and cousins. To paraphrase, he basically said "we know that loving other people brings with it great risk. We risk losing someone who matters so much to us...and yet, we continue to love, because living a life without love wouldn't really be living." He also said that we always think there will be more time, even when our loved one has been diagnosed with a terminal illness - but that we should try to love fully, as if there isn't any more time. I think that's something that all of us could probably improve upon. For my part, I know that I try to hold back sometimes. I hold back so that I won't get hurt, when really that's just silly because what good does not getting hurt do if you never get to really, truly love? Turns out funerals make me all contemplative and stuff. Thanks for letting me post it on the interwebs, Blogger. I appreciate it. And if anyone kept reading this far, thanks to you too. Tomorrow come back for pictures of Otis in his Halloween costume. That should be more uplifting. If it's not, we have a problem. Posted by mindy at 9:29 AM 26 comments Labels: anger, Animals, Family, life lessons, Pets Thursday, October 23, 2008 Halloween is fast approaching and while Otis has had his costume for quite some time now, I hadn't decided until this week that I would even get a costume. Because I am not one of those creative types who can devise a brilliant costume out of 3 band aids, a pack of streamers, a Sharpie marker and some tinfoil, I had to do some googling to find some good ideas. It's been several years since I dressed up for Halloween. The last time I did, I went as an M&M because someone had an M&M costume to lend me and I was lazy. You see, typically I am not much of a Halloween fan - except for the fact that it means I can dress my dog up in something ridiculous and take pictures and post them on the internet. Other than that, I could take it or leave it. Well, I learned a lot during my costume research the past few days. The #1 thing I learned is that Halloween seems to basically be an excuse for women to get dressed up in something super slutty. I mean, going out to the bars on Halloween night has basically got to be a fantasy smorgasbord for men, right? I mean, check it out: Slutty pirate - Thar she be! She'll walk your plank! (I just made that up right now--so clever!) Slutty police officer! Handcuffs anyone? Slutty school girl, for those of you who want to snag a pedophile! (Can someone please explain this male fantasy to me -please??) Although sexy girl scout is even more disturbing. Slutty nurse (and/or just a regular nurse. I know a lot of nurses and they pretty much all dress like this all the time). And the ever popular and not at all weird, slutty mental patient! Wait a minute....does that seem right? Moving on....I think it goes without saying that no collection would be complete without the sexy french maid costume: That's hot. So, with all these fantastic choices I bet you're wondering what I decided to be. Despite Paco's wonderful suggestion that we go as Beauty and the Beast ("you get a Beast costume and I'll go as Beauty - i.e., I won't dress up"), I opted for something a little more traditional:
Pretty sure he won't be able to keep his hands off me! Rowr! Posted by mindy at 9:32 AM 19 comments Labels: "Paco", Friends, Me Me Me, Weird Thursday, October 16, 2008 I'm wondering if you have to be named 'Joe' if you want the Republicans to use you for absolutely every example they cite regarding the 'common American'? What about 'Juan the carpenter', and 'Suzy the hair dresser' and 'Mindy the awesome blogger with great hair and an impeccable fashion sense who sometimes spends a little too much money on things she doesn't need, but still deserves a break, yo'? That last one really rolls off the tongue... Posted by mindy at 12:47 PM 13 comments Labels: I am Lame, Questions Tuesday, October 14, 2008 Remember when I "adopted" a goat at Farm Sanctuary? This little guy? Well, while I am super duper happy to have done that, it had an unintended consequence: quite often, I get emails from friends and readers with links to goat stories and a nice little message that says something like "this made me think of you". Goats now make people think of me. Kind of weird, right? I mean, I guess it's an improvement over when people used to email me saying they saw some dog poop on the street and thought of me, but still... Anyway, I have often wondered (because I obviously have a very busy and fulfilling life) what Otis would do if he ever met a goat or some other farm animal. I surmised that he would probably LOVE them because - and I kid you not - anytime he sees a horse on Animal Planet, he is mesmerized, and just stares at the TV. Horses and dogs - he just loves seeing them on TV. Well, after last weekend, I no longer have to wonder! Paco and I went to an apple farm nearby, where they also happened to have some goats and ponies and one donkey. As I said, I often wondered how Otis would react to big farm animals, but I had never thought about what big farm animals would think of Otis, and it turns out that was the more interesting part of the equation. As expected, Otis was very interested in the goats specifically, but also the ponies. He pulled us over to the pens several times and would stick his head as far as he could up to the fence to get a sniff. Here he is getting a gander at the donkey, who took positively no interest in my little guy: Then there was a baby goat, and she was terrified of Otis. Otis would come up to the fence and she'd run away like he was gonna eat her. In all fairness, he would probably try to hump her, despite the fact that we've had several conversations about how we don't hump puppies and you'd think he could extend that lesson to other baby animals, you know? But THEN we met this little dude, who I have named Mean Black Goat with Horns: Right after this picture was taken, Otis got a teeny bit closer, and this little guy head butted the fence! He was totally trying to stab my dog with those horns, and Otis is just dumb enough to let himself get stabbed. I hate to say it, but I might have a goat prejudice if one of them killed my dog. I know it ain't right, but I think I'd totally be mad at goats for a while. Maybe not Goodwin, but, you know, all the other goats with horns. Then again, how can you be mad at someone who's this resourceful? Not to mention hilarious. Anyhoo, Paco and Otis and I had a great time, and now I know that even if Otis loves all other animals, all other animals won't necessarily like him. It's a sad fact, but what can ya do? Oh, and PS: if you look to the right hand side, I've posted a link to my flickr site, where you can view more pictures of Otis & a bunch of other animals. I know there are at least three of you who will go check that out (hi my sisters!). Enjoy! |